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Thursday, November 27, 2008


"The Struggle"

Its begun​.​

A year of my life full of spiri​tual uphea​val and angst​ will be captu​red on shiny​,​ hard plast​ic.​

To the depth​s of me I'll go and pull out bits of truth​ and fear and love and doubt​ and joy and pain and throw​ them down on digit​al tape to stick​ and stay.​

What I've thoug​ht,​ what I've felt,​ what I've learn​ed and what I'm learn​ing.​ I'll share​ with you and let you take from it what you will.​ That is what its all about​ after​ all.

New begin​nings​ are excit​ing.​


Monday, October 27, 2008


"this one goes out to the ones I love"


I've been out of you
but I am still here
Perhaps farther from your hearts than once
but you are deep in mine always
I feel the distance, I feel the strain
my feet are busy walking

life and love and living happened to us
there aren't enough hours in the day
but you are here. always here
your fingerprints, your voices
your wisdoms and our days
they are still here
still here
I am still here
even if I am not



Monday, May 12, 2008


and then the clouds broke

I am newly born
wet and sticky and breathing the first
I was dead and I live
The heights and the depths

The lines of the earth swallowed me whole, but I am standing on the ground
He lifted me up. He lifted me out. His face is bright
I will not turn away

The aching, the lacking, a downcast soul
a fragile faith that I couldn't save
The wait is long, the weight is heavy
My God! My God! You heard my voice
You sang a song back to me



Tuesday, April 22, 2008


the miles and days

My heart is full, my memories fresh
My eyes are tired and fists are clenched
Holding on to the miles and the days
The sunshine in her hair

We are in the music, we are in the roads
The trees and the concrete
I am full of love and pain and scenery
I miss home and I don't and I want to do this always




Saturday, April 19, 2008


Nostalgia is Painful

(taken from a 2007 journal entry)

Everybody knows that change is a part of life. I know it. I know it well, but I've never been good at accepting it.

For years I've longed for the "good days" that have come and gone. The ease and comfortableness. The familiarity. The contentment.

These days a lot is changing all at once. The people that have been monumental in shaping the person I've become have gone away/are going away. Readjustment, reassessment, disappointment, they have become my bedfellows.

New days bring new experiences and new loves; new memories and new hopes; new hurts and lessons, joys and blessings.

I am thankful for being alive at all, yet there is a little part of my heart in a constant state of mourning. Mourning the loss of days gone by when I knew utter innocence and happiness. It's a constancy that I've become accustomed to. Yet the word itself is a contradiction. The only thing constant is the change.

Perhaps it is another picture of a world separated from God; a shadow of the thing to come. A fallen world cannot live up to a perfect heaven.

This world is fading. And nothing here is everlasting. A reality that I'm learning to accept, though begrudgingly.

Maybe not all hearts are like mine. In fact, I know it to be true.

I wouldn't trade a tender heart for any other, but tender hearts are burdensome.


Saturday, March 08, 2008


The meaning of substance

the meaning of substance is the heights and the depths
I asked God why it has to hurt so bad and that's what He told me
that's what He said

the meaning of substance is the heights and the depths
I begged Him to make me something more and He has been
this is not what I was expecting. His methods are strange

the meaning of substance is the heights and the depths
we are. we are. we are. and that is enough
pain me. break me if that's what it takes
I want to be who I was meant to be
I must



Thursday, November 08, 2007


Ramblings

I talk of childlike faith, but I'm still reaching for it
We're wrestling, God and me
He must be going easy as its not an even match
He's the strong silent type and I'm the one with eyes so puffy and swollen that I can't see clearly
Cut me, drain me, show me how to walk again
Teach me to be still when You don't speak

I sing about lost love and the hole it left
I'm trying to fill it up, but the pieces aren't big enough
they just fall through
Still regretting words I didn't say years ago
Obsessing. Regressing.
We could have substance, we're not who we were
so I wait. I wait. I wait.

I'm finding baggage I didn't know I had
and its heavy
No wonder I've been so tired
A present that hangs on a past I still cling to
When we were a family
Its nearly impossible to move forward when I want so desperately
to go back

High highs and low lows, my day to day
Weep and writhe, rejoice rejoice
Gravity. Levity. They are hand in hand
If you love you will hurt, it is a fallen world
but love is what makes a life livable
and I want to live

I've no shortage of deep and beautiful friendships
Kindred souls, hearts near my own
My heroes, my teachers, my joy
We mold each other. We grow. And we are still learning
Without their ears and faces and minds:
O what a destitution

I am not insatiable, but I am not satisfied
I want the moon and the seas and the open skies
the road and people
To see the world and leave my footprints in the days
I covet a man to burn for, I can't abide warm water
I must love fiercely
I will not acquiesce

Volatility, passion, the struggle, anticipation
I bathe in sorrow, but I do not despair
I'm lacking, but I'm changing
I'm wistful and I'm seeking meaning
I don't have the patience, but I'm waiting
Waiting for something big