Transplants:
Thursday, November 27, 2008
"The Struggle"
Its begun.
A year of my life full of spiritual upheaval and angst will be captured on shiny, hard plastic.
To the depths of me I'll go and pull out bits of truth and fear and love and doubt and joy and pain and throw them down on digital tape to stick and stay.
What I've thought, what I've felt, what I've learned and what I'm learning. I'll share with you and let you take from it what you will. That is what its all about after all.
New beginnings are exciting.
Monday, October 27, 2008
"this one goes out to the ones I love"
I've been out of you
but I am still here
Perhaps farther from your hearts than once
but you are deep in mine always
I feel the distance, I feel the strain
my feet are busy walking
life and love and living happened to us
there aren't enough hours in the day
but you are here. always here
your fingerprints, your voices
your wisdoms and our days
they are still here
still here
I am still here
even if I am not
Monday, May 12, 2008
and then the clouds broke
I am newly born
wet and sticky and breathing the first
I was dead and I live
The heights and the depths
The lines of the earth swallowed me whole, but I am standing on the ground
He lifted me up. He lifted me out. His face is bright
I will not turn away
The aching, the lacking, a downcast soul
a fragile faith that I couldn't save
The wait is long, the weight is heavy
My God! My God! You heard my voice
You sang a song back to me
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
the miles and days
My heart is full, my memories fresh
My eyes are tired and fists are clenched
Holding on to the miles and the days
The sunshine in her hair
We are in the music, we are in the roads
The trees and the concrete
I am full of love and pain and scenery
I miss home and I don't and I want to do this always
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Nostalgia is Painful
(taken from a 2007 journal entry)
Everybody knows that change is a part of life. I know it. I know it well, but I've never been good at accepting it.
For years I've longed for the "good days" that have come and gone. The ease and comfortableness. The familiarity. The contentment.
These days a lot is changing all at once. The people that have been monumental in shaping the person I've become have gone away/are going away. Readjustment, reassessment, disappointment, they have become my bedfellows.
New days bring new experiences and new loves; new memories and new hopes; new hurts and lessons, joys and blessings.
I am thankful for being alive at all, yet there is a little part of my heart in a constant state of mourning. Mourning the loss of days gone by when I knew utter innocence and happiness. It's a constancy that I've become accustomed to. Yet the word itself is a contradiction. The only thing constant is the change.
Perhaps it is another picture of a world separated from God; a shadow of the thing to come. A fallen world cannot live up to a perfect heaven.
This world is fading. And nothing here is everlasting. A reality that I'm learning to accept, though begrudgingly.
Maybe not all hearts are like mine. In fact, I know it to be true.
I wouldn't trade a tender heart for any other, but tender hearts are burdensome.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
The meaning of substance
the meaning of substance is the heights and the depths
I asked God why it has to hurt so bad and that's what He told me
that's what He said
the meaning of substance is the heights and the depths
I begged Him to make me something more and He has been
this is not what I was expecting. His methods are strange
the meaning of substance is the heights and the depths
we are. we are. we are. and that is enough
pain me. break me if that's what it takes
I want to be who I was meant to be
I must
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Ramblings
I talk of childlike faith, but I'm still reaching for it
We're wrestling, God and me
He must be going easy as its not an even match
He's the strong silent type and I'm the one with eyes so puffy and swollen that I can't see clearly
Cut me, drain me, show me how to walk again
Teach me to be still when You don't speak
I sing about lost love and the hole it left
I'm trying to fill it up, but the pieces aren't big enough
they just fall through
Still regretting words I didn't say years ago
Obsessing. Regressing.
We could have substance, we're not who we were
so I wait. I wait. I wait.
I'm finding baggage I didn't know I had
and its heavy
No wonder I've been so tired
A present that hangs on a past I still cling to
When we were a family
Its nearly impossible to move forward when I want so desperately
to go back
High highs and low lows, my day to day
Weep and writhe, rejoice rejoice
Gravity. Levity. They are hand in hand
If you love you will hurt, it is a fallen world
but love is what makes a life livable
and I want to live
I've no shortage of deep and beautiful friendships
Kindred souls, hearts near my own
My heroes, my teachers, my joy
We mold each other. We grow. And we are still learning
Without their ears and faces and minds:
O what a destitution
I am not insatiable, but I am not satisfied
I want the moon and the seas and the open skies
the road and people
To see the world and leave my footprints in the days
I covet a man to burn for, I can't abide warm water
I must love fiercely
I will not acquiesce
Volatility, passion, the struggle, anticipation
I bathe in sorrow, but I do not despair
I'm lacking, but I'm changing
I'm wistful and I'm seeking meaning
I don't have the patience, but I'm waiting
Waiting for something big
Dec 29, 2008
Apr 17, 2008
April Tour
April 4th, 2008 - Seattle, WA
The best line up I've had the honor of being a part of. Ever.
I opened (my good friend/Feb tour-mate Justin Bennett accompanied me on guitar and added some sweet harmony), then The Beautiful Clarks captivated everyone as all 4 of them sat around one condenser mic. Then Karli played a heart wrenching, weep inducing, joy inspiring set (per usual) with her guitar pro bro, Zac, good friend Caroline Fowler singing and adding the perfect amount of glockenspiel (played with Zac's pipe as she forgot the mallets) and bad ass pedal steel player Scott Ellis. Pickwick ended the evening by breaking our hearts and rocking our faces off at the same time. Yeah, I said it.
April 5th, 2008 - Portland, OR
Home town. Cake.
Mississippi Pizza Pub was packed with familiar and not so familiar faces. Ali Marcus shared the evening with us and we filled the room with love and sounds.
I got spoiled by having my full acoustic band there. Todd Bayles, Justin Bennett, Karlee Griffiths (cello, guitar, fiddle) blow me away every time we play together.
Good times.
April 5th
..
April 7th - San Francisco
Have you ever played music in a cafe/laundromat? Well, I can now say that I have. The Brainwash Cafe.
Killer stir fry, not so killer mic stands.. but a super cool place in general.
We met some awesome San Fran peeps and then I almost lost my laptop. Thank the good Lord, I recovered it before the end of the night. We hit up the Hotel Utah and Karli sang my favorite song of her's at the open mic. We also enjoyed the vocal stylings of many of San Fran's um "finest"...
April 8th, 2008
No show today. San Fran was cold and windy and beautiful and full of life and culture. We walked up hill and down and I smoked too many cigarettes. We ate amazing chocolate cake and drank red wine to celebrate Karli's 22nd birthday.
We walked through China Town. All the smells and sounds were intense. I was so fascinated by all the people around me. Talking and living a much different life than I am. They don't care about skinny jeans or hip new hair cuts or the Jack Kerouac book I read the first chapter of in a book store today. They work unsexy jobs to live and provide for their families. They stand out on the sidewalk unloading crates of little shrimp. They buy and sell fresh veggies and fish and smile at each other when they talk. I love them. For reals.
We're staying with my friend Julia that I haven't seen in two years. Her 7 month old baby is beautiful and perfect. Her hospitality has blown us away. I called to make sure she had a cork screw when I bought the wine this evening and when we got back to her quiet house (after her family had gone to bed), we found 4 wine glasses and 4 chocolates sitting out for us. That's love, man.
:o)
Now i'm sitting at her dining room table while Karli uploads videos she took today.
April 7th
..
The ATM was a nice touch, don't you think?
Its bedtime... well passed it, in fact.
More to come.
April 10th - Modesto, CA
April 10th
..
April 11th - Newport Beach, CA
(4/12 8:15am)
The ocean is crashing.
Im in a bunk in a house of 9 surfer boys.
Last night is still fresh in my mind.
Pieces of conversations are floating around in there.
A few hours of Chad and Elissa will hold me over until July.
How my heart danced to see their faces!
I hadn't played a house show.
These were good people to "first time" it with.
A house on the beach, good friends, music and wine.
I could get used to this.
April 14th - Las Vegas, NV
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
We left the boys and the beach and went East.
Vegas is one big trashy strip mall. But the people we met made up for that.
We crashed with the duo Curse Words are Verbs. Two of the most animated, passionate people I've ever met. Joel and Brenna. Intriguing, kind, genuine and generous. We met them through Joel's cousin Lindsey (a friend of a friend), who is a doll and one of those few people that I feel I've known for years even though I only spent a few hours with her.
April 14th
..
April 15th, 2008 - Torrey, UT
Small towns are the best to play in. Its true. We got a warm welcome in Torrey. David Williams, a folk musician who spends much of his time in the beautiful high deserts of Utah, greeted us with a smile and one of the most magnificent beards I've seen in real life. We played to an attentive audience and one rather boisterous fellow by the name of Dexter who had had one too many beers. We couldn't stay too annoyed with him because his interjections were generally compliments to us. Haha. Oh, Dexter.
April 15th
..
We also met Wendy Ohlwiler, a beautiful, gentle, fellow folkster who was moved by our music and invited us to coffee the next morning. We shared a few stories, traded CDs and ate some tasty bread and jam with our coffee.
The places we go, the people we meet, the moments we share.
This is the good stuff. The hardy stuff.
April 16th, 2008 - Salt Lake City, UT
Salt Lake City is beautiful. Surrounded by snowy mountains, glowing in the evening; the old buildings, breathtaking.
We played Nobrow, a hip coffeehouse downtown and met some cool Salt Lake kids there. Some of Karli and Zac's friends from Band of Annuals came to the show and hung out with us before and after. Really great guys that took us to Slow Train, a killer record store where I bought the Bon Iver record I've been hearing great things about. Karli said I couldn't be her friend if I didn't like it so I prayed that it would blow my mind...
Thank the Good Lord the album is gorgeous. I'm excited to become more familiar with it. Whew!
:o)
April 16th
..
The best line up I've had the honor of being a part of. Ever.
I opened (my good friend/Feb tour-mate Justin Bennett accompanied me on guitar and added some sweet harmony), then The Beautiful Clarks captivated everyone as all 4 of them sat around one condenser mic. Then Karli played a heart wrenching, weep inducing, joy inspiring set (per usual) with her guitar pro bro, Zac, good friend Caroline Fowler singing and adding the perfect amount of glockenspiel (played with Zac's pipe as she forgot the mallets) and bad ass pedal steel player Scott Ellis. Pickwick ended the evening by breaking our hearts and rocking our faces off at the same time. Yeah, I said it.
April 5th, 2008 - Portland, OR
Home town. Cake.
Mississippi Pizza Pub was packed with familiar and not so familiar faces. Ali Marcus shared the evening with us and we filled the room with love and sounds.
I got spoiled by having my full acoustic band there. Todd Bayles, Justin Bennett, Karlee Griffiths (cello, guitar, fiddle) blow me away every time we play together.
Good times.
April 5th
..
April 7th - San Francisco
Have you ever played music in a cafe/laundromat? Well, I can now say that I have. The Brainwash Cafe.
Killer stir fry, not so killer mic stands.. but a super cool place in general.
We met some awesome San Fran peeps and then I almost lost my laptop. Thank the good Lord, I recovered it before the end of the night. We hit up the Hotel Utah and Karli sang my favorite song of her's at the open mic. We also enjoyed the vocal stylings of many of San Fran's um "finest"...
April 8th, 2008
No show today. San Fran was cold and windy and beautiful and full of life and culture. We walked up hill and down and I smoked too many cigarettes. We ate amazing chocolate cake and drank red wine to celebrate Karli's 22nd birthday.
We walked through China Town. All the smells and sounds were intense. I was so fascinated by all the people around me. Talking and living a much different life than I am. They don't care about skinny jeans or hip new hair cuts or the Jack Kerouac book I read the first chapter of in a book store today. They work unsexy jobs to live and provide for their families. They stand out on the sidewalk unloading crates of little shrimp. They buy and sell fresh veggies and fish and smile at each other when they talk. I love them. For reals.
We're staying with my friend Julia that I haven't seen in two years. Her 7 month old baby is beautiful and perfect. Her hospitality has blown us away. I called to make sure she had a cork screw when I bought the wine this evening and when we got back to her quiet house (after her family had gone to bed), we found 4 wine glasses and 4 chocolates sitting out for us. That's love, man.
:o)
Now i'm sitting at her dining room table while Karli uploads videos she took today.
April 7th
..
The ATM was a nice touch, don't you think?
Its bedtime... well passed it, in fact.
More to come.
April 10th - Modesto, CA
April 10th
..
April 11th - Newport Beach, CA
(4/12 8:15am)
The ocean is crashing.
Im in a bunk in a house of 9 surfer boys.
Last night is still fresh in my mind.
Pieces of conversations are floating around in there.
A few hours of Chad and Elissa will hold me over until July.
How my heart danced to see their faces!
I hadn't played a house show.
These were good people to "first time" it with.
A house on the beach, good friends, music and wine.
I could get used to this.
April 14th - Las Vegas, NV
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
We left the boys and the beach and went East.
Vegas is one big trashy strip mall. But the people we met made up for that.
We crashed with the duo Curse Words are Verbs. Two of the most animated, passionate people I've ever met. Joel and Brenna. Intriguing, kind, genuine and generous. We met them through Joel's cousin Lindsey (a friend of a friend), who is a doll and one of those few people that I feel I've known for years even though I only spent a few hours with her.
April 14th
..
April 15th, 2008 - Torrey, UT
Small towns are the best to play in. Its true. We got a warm welcome in Torrey. David Williams, a folk musician who spends much of his time in the beautiful high deserts of Utah, greeted us with a smile and one of the most magnificent beards I've seen in real life. We played to an attentive audience and one rather boisterous fellow by the name of Dexter who had had one too many beers. We couldn't stay too annoyed with him because his interjections were generally compliments to us. Haha. Oh, Dexter.
April 15th
..
We also met Wendy Ohlwiler, a beautiful, gentle, fellow folkster who was moved by our music and invited us to coffee the next morning. We shared a few stories, traded CDs and ate some tasty bread and jam with our coffee.
The places we go, the people we meet, the moments we share.
This is the good stuff. The hardy stuff.
April 16th, 2008 - Salt Lake City, UT
Salt Lake City is beautiful. Surrounded by snowy mountains, glowing in the evening; the old buildings, breathtaking.
We played Nobrow, a hip coffeehouse downtown and met some cool Salt Lake kids there. Some of Karli and Zac's friends from Band of Annuals came to the show and hung out with us before and after. Really great guys that took us to Slow Train, a killer record store where I bought the Bon Iver record I've been hearing great things about. Karli said I couldn't be her friend if I didn't like it so I prayed that it would blow my mind...
Thank the Good Lord the album is gorgeous. I'm excited to become more familiar with it. Whew!
:o)
April 16th
..
Oct 31, 2007
The adventures of Breep and Karlita: Spokane - Oct 20th weekend, 2007
Darling Karlee Griffiths and I drove up to Spokane to open our good friend Karli Fairbanks's CD release show.
Friday evening:
Karl + Breep + a 5 hour drive = Lots of laughs, good conversation and suh.weet music.
The latter includes, but is not limited to selections from the following categories/albums:
"Oh, the Lovely Ladies" :
The Cardigans: Long Gone Before Daylight
Dahlia: Emotion Cycles
The Cranberries' first (and best) album: Everybody else is doing it
so why can't we?
Nikka Costa: Everybody's Got Their Somethin'
Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes
"Songs You Have To Shake Your Ass To":
Timbaland: Shock Value
Brandy: Afrodisiac
Pussycat Dolls' 'Buttons' (don't judge me for this one, please)
"'Hecka 90's":
'Just Another Day' by Jon Secada (yeah, that's right)
Silverchair: Neon Ballroom (Daniel Johns was sexy as hell when he was sickly thin and wore makeup. Is there something wrong with me?)
"Country(ish) Favorites"
Dixie Chicks: Home
Alison Krauss's: Forget About It
All 3 Nickel Creek albums
Mindy Smith: One Moment More
"Old Skool Country We Would Never Admit to Liking"
Faith Hill: Take Me As I Am
Joe Diffie's 'John Deere Green"
"OMG Karlee, You Need to Hear This":
Michael Miller: When We Come To
Gillian Welch: Time (The Revelater)
Patty Griffin's 'Rain'
We got into town after nightfall. The last 10 minutes of the car ride were spent trying to remember the song "Hit'em up Style" by Blu Cantrell. With our recall-of-useless-information-and-bad-music abilities combined, we got the melody and most of the words to this ridiculously bad song.
We pulled up to Karli's beautiful house, peeled ourselves out of the seats and greeted her with a fit of laughter brought on by Blu Cantrell's "profound" lyrics, slight delirium, the joy of regaining mobility after 5 hours in a car and the excitement of seeing her smiling face in the flesh after weeks of anticipation. After a trip to the airport to pick up her good friend/practically sister, Jamie, we sat around the house singing.
Saturday:
The morning was cold. It bit my face.
We picked up the girls' friend Trent and headed to a downtown cafe. I liked being in a car with reunited friends. I liked their faces when they looked at each other. It made me miss my boys.
(Nothing to start a day like a Pumpkin Latte and Fleetwood Mac)
The afternoon consisted mostly of hauling gear to the Empyrean (sweet coffeehouse/venue), setting up, practicing, drinking more coffee and walking around the neighboring area.
Karli
Karlee
Caroline (Karli's good friend and band mate.. a doll and hilariously funny)
Karlee and I went to the Library and I got a headache from looking at one of those books where a word or picture pops out if you stare at it long enough. I saw Spiderman's head.
Karli's mom made us chili and bomb-ass cornbread for dinner. I like her parents, Rob and Robbi. Her whole family is wonderful. Kind and generous and close-knit with a heart for God. Its nice to be reminded those kind of families still exist.
The show Saturday night at Empyrean was amazing. It was packed (over 100 people as far as I know), the sound was great, the crowd was attentive and I felt good about our set. We filled ears with lovelorn songs and harmony. Karlee (G) adds so much heart to my songs. It makes me smile to look over at her playing. Every time.
Dave Dupey brought his adorable girlfriend Keri to the show and Karlee and I sat with them for Karli's set. The trip up would have been worth it to just see her play. A solid 7 piece band, Karli's lovely voice and soaring melodies broke my heart over and over again. Beautiful textures (slide guitar, banjo, rhodes, glockenspiel) and lush 3 part harmonies. Hot damn!
It was SO beautiful.
I. almost. died.
I snagged this photo of the audience from Karli's page. You can see me in the middle... swooning:
Back at the house we finished with wine and cigarettes on the back porch in the cold, crisp night. Perfect.
Sunday:
In the morning we dragged ourselves out of bed and went to Karli's church, New Community, where her dad pastors. We played my song "The Carpenter's Son" during the offering both services. It was good times.
Reluctantly, we went back to the house, gathered our things and headed back to Ptown:
Brilliant orange and yellow trees overhung the quaint neighborhood streets and the highway drive back home offered beautiful scenery.. Rolling golden hills flecked with all the autumn colors; pale skies and glowing clouds, sun rays pouring through them and touching down. We watched the sky turn pink and orange as the sun sank.
We sang our hearts out to Karli's new album "Bitter Blue" on the way home. One song in particular, "Whiskey Flowers", we played over and over and over again, clutching our hearts and practically weeping at every chorus.
It was as good a weekend as I hoped it would be. And went by too fast, as expected.
Friday evening:
Karl + Breep + a 5 hour drive = Lots of laughs, good conversation and suh.weet music.
The latter includes, but is not limited to selections from the following categories/albums:
"Oh, the Lovely Ladies" :
The Cardigans: Long Gone Before Daylight
Dahlia: Emotion Cycles
The Cranberries' first (and best) album: Everybody else is doing it
so why can't we?
Nikka Costa: Everybody's Got Their Somethin'
Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes
"Songs You Have To Shake Your Ass To":
Timbaland: Shock Value
Brandy: Afrodisiac
Pussycat Dolls' 'Buttons' (don't judge me for this one, please)
"'Hecka 90's":
'Just Another Day' by Jon Secada (yeah, that's right)
Silverchair: Neon Ballroom (Daniel Johns was sexy as hell when he was sickly thin and wore makeup. Is there something wrong with me?)
"Country(ish) Favorites"
Dixie Chicks: Home
Alison Krauss's: Forget About It
All 3 Nickel Creek albums
Mindy Smith: One Moment More
"Old Skool Country We Would Never Admit to Liking"
Faith Hill: Take Me As I Am
Joe Diffie's 'John Deere Green"
"OMG Karlee, You Need to Hear This":
Michael Miller: When We Come To
Gillian Welch: Time (The Revelater)
Patty Griffin's 'Rain'
We got into town after nightfall. The last 10 minutes of the car ride were spent trying to remember the song "Hit'em up Style" by Blu Cantrell. With our recall-of-useless-information-and-bad-music abilities combined, we got the melody and most of the words to this ridiculously bad song.
We pulled up to Karli's beautiful house, peeled ourselves out of the seats and greeted her with a fit of laughter brought on by Blu Cantrell's "profound" lyrics, slight delirium, the joy of regaining mobility after 5 hours in a car and the excitement of seeing her smiling face in the flesh after weeks of anticipation. After a trip to the airport to pick up her good friend/practically sister, Jamie, we sat around the house singing.
Saturday:
The morning was cold. It bit my face.
We picked up the girls' friend Trent and headed to a downtown cafe. I liked being in a car with reunited friends. I liked their faces when they looked at each other. It made me miss my boys.
(Nothing to start a day like a Pumpkin Latte and Fleetwood Mac)
The afternoon consisted mostly of hauling gear to the Empyrean (sweet coffeehouse/venue), setting up, practicing, drinking more coffee and walking around the neighboring area.
Karli
Karlee
Caroline (Karli's good friend and band mate.. a doll and hilariously funny)
Karlee and I went to the Library and I got a headache from looking at one of those books where a word or picture pops out if you stare at it long enough. I saw Spiderman's head.
Karli's mom made us chili and bomb-ass cornbread for dinner. I like her parents, Rob and Robbi. Her whole family is wonderful. Kind and generous and close-knit with a heart for God. Its nice to be reminded those kind of families still exist.
The show Saturday night at Empyrean was amazing. It was packed (over 100 people as far as I know), the sound was great, the crowd was attentive and I felt good about our set. We filled ears with lovelorn songs and harmony. Karlee (G) adds so much heart to my songs. It makes me smile to look over at her playing. Every time.
Dave Dupey brought his adorable girlfriend Keri to the show and Karlee and I sat with them for Karli's set. The trip up would have been worth it to just see her play. A solid 7 piece band, Karli's lovely voice and soaring melodies broke my heart over and over again. Beautiful textures (slide guitar, banjo, rhodes, glockenspiel) and lush 3 part harmonies. Hot damn!
It was SO beautiful.
I. almost. died.
I snagged this photo of the audience from Karli's page. You can see me in the middle... swooning:
Back at the house we finished with wine and cigarettes on the back porch in the cold, crisp night. Perfect.
Sunday:
In the morning we dragged ourselves out of bed and went to Karli's church, New Community, where her dad pastors. We played my song "The Carpenter's Son" during the offering both services. It was good times.
Reluctantly, we went back to the house, gathered our things and headed back to Ptown:
Brilliant orange and yellow trees overhung the quaint neighborhood streets and the highway drive back home offered beautiful scenery.. Rolling golden hills flecked with all the autumn colors; pale skies and glowing clouds, sun rays pouring through them and touching down. We watched the sky turn pink and orange as the sun sank.
We sang our hearts out to Karli's new album "Bitter Blue" on the way home. One song in particular, "Whiskey Flowers", we played over and over and over again, clutching our hearts and practically weeping at every chorus.
It was as good a weekend as I hoped it would be. And went by too fast, as expected.
Oct 24, 2007
And so we come
And so we come
to give you realness
to tell you secrets
beneath faces
beneath voices
to be understood
to give you realness
to tell you secrets
beneath faces
beneath voices
to be understood
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